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This is the Best Man’s Speech I actually used so it’s full of errors for a reason. It’s short and simple. Each paragraph below was written on a cue card. These can be purchased in places like Staples (though they’re not called cue cards, usually know as archive cards). On some of the cards I titled what I was meant to be doing. I also made sure EACH CARD WAS NUMBERED!!  An example of the first card is included below:

Note that there is a start, a middle, and a close.

 

The start opens the speech. Nice and easy. It sets the tone of how I was going to approach the rest of the delivery.

 

The middle links various aspects of the grooms traits to each other (mainly camping) and then rounds off with a made up story using these traits. This got quite a laugh when people got it. I can see why people want to be comedians as it felt great having a hundred people laughing with me. The irony is this bit was added at 5am on the day of the wedding. It’s amazing what pressure can lead you to achieve.

 

The end is standard. Always try and end like this.

 

It’s worth noting that during pre-wedding drinks the Groom (or bridesmaids) may question you about the speech (especially after a few drinks). Do not give anything away. Nothing. Not a jot or theme as they may well use it. Remember the groom is on before you, and telling the same joke he just has will not sound better the second time!

 

Would I do it differently? Of course I would, but that’s half the fun of it all.

 

1. Hello ladies and gentlemen, I’m Ben the Best Man and this is the part of the day where I am supposed to make a speech that insults and embarrses Gareth. Well I did first prepare such a speech and here it is [hold up red envelope]. BUT Gareth is the one who writes the cheques so I’ve recently written this other speech which is much kinder [holder up blue envelope]… ah what the hell [tear up blue envelope]

2. Before I begin proper for those of you at the back, if you can’t see me properly, I’m tall, dark and very much look like Pierce Bronson. For those of you at the front PLEASE don’t tell the one’s at the back.

 

3. I would like to thanks and apologize to the photographer. You may not know this but he specializes in taking pictures of horses – so sorry for the lack of false starts and long faces. Though I do believe there is a disk jockey tonight.

 

4. Respond on behalf of the bridesmaids – On behalf of the bridesmaids I’d like to thank Gareth sincerely for those generous words. Yes, the bridesmaids did a great job in pushing… sorry helping Kate up the aisle today but apparently she came to the hotel of her own free will.

 

5. Now I’ve known the groom since we were kids. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for him and I know there’s nothing he wouldn’t do for me. Infact we both spend a lot of time doing nothing for each other!

 

6. Now for a bit of history. The roll of the best man originally came from the need for the groom to raid an opposing village and carry off a woman. The best man being his backup. His raiding companions (usually a bunch of bachelors with nothing better to do) became known as groomsmen.

 

7. It is traditional for the best man to speak on behalf of the bridesmaids who for some unexplained reason are unable to speak for themselves. However from what Dave was saying last night I know Kym’s got a healthy pair of lungs and can talk the tip off a pool cue. Only joking Kym.

 

8. So what can I tell you about Gareth? Well it’s a tale of bread, coffee, fish fingers… What? Sorry ladies and gentlemen I appear to have picked up my shopping list by mistake.

 

9. Moving swiftly on to Gareth’s character assassination.

 

10. As I said before Gareth and I have been mates since we were ten and went to cubs. Ever since then he’s been mad about the great out doors. Infact he fancies himself as a bit of a Ray Mears character.

 

11. He can make a shower out of a pair of trousers, a tent out of a parachute and he knows how to stun a grizzly bear with a Frisbee…. But ask him to make a simple cup of tea…

 

12. In his school years he did all the usual suburban things. Played football, wore sandals, got teased, was a cub scout then a full scout. This is where he learnt the important things in life. Such as not wearing sandals, setting fire to his parents workroom and playing with his woggle a lot.

 

13. Indeed the resourceful spirit hasn’t left Gareth. And when we went camping not so many years ago his resourcefulness came into full force.

 

14. The irony being of course that it wasn’t field craft or medics badge which came in handy it was his painting and mechanics badge. You see it was on this little trip that Gareth had a serious and lost.

 

15. The argument was between the car we were in and a range rover coming the other way.

 

16. What made it worse was the car he was driving wasn’t Gareth’s at all, it was his dad’s shiny new vectra.

 

17. So if you need any paint or body repairs Gareth’s your man! He did a really top job on the wing I can tell you.

 

18. On a positive note though Gareth’s skills did come into full effect when we locked ourselves out of my Dad’s old Beetle in Betws-y-coed. Soaked through to the skin in our hiking gear with night falling and a bemused group of onlookers Gareth has an idea. He walks up to the car and rubs his bum on the door. Magically it unlocks.

 

19. I’m standing there mouth open “How did you do that”. He smiled and said, “Kahrki Pants”. [wait for audience to get it]

 

20. I regret to say that Gareth has been suffering from PMS this week. Pre-Marital Stress.

 

21. Between flapping I asked Gareth what he was looking for in this marriage. He thought carefully for a few moments and said “Love, happiness and eventually a family”. When I asked Kate the question, without hesitation replied “A coffee perculator”. Well actually she said a “Perky copulator”… but I knew what she meant.

 

22. Kate I have spent the last five minutes talking about your husband Gareth. It has been clear to me for a long time that you are meant for each other. Provided one thing… IF Gareth EVER says anything to you that can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry – Gareth meant the other one.

 

23. What can I say about Gareth? We’ll he’s handsome, witty, intelligent, charming… per! Per! Sorry Gareth I’m having trouble reading your writing.

 

24. Before I draw to a close it’s time for me to read you a few messages from people who could not be here today. Read normal letter from Bob and Pat.

 

25. Dear Gareth and Kate Congratulations on your marriage. Please can you come into the shop to settle your remaining bill as your credit limit has been reached. Lots of love for the future signed Anne Summers. Not too sure who she is.

 

26. And finally… success is getting what you want and happiness is wanting what you get. I know you both want what you’ve got. Thank you for listening to me, I have one more duty, no honour to perform on behalf of the bridesmaids and myself ladies and gentlemen & Athers please be upstanding. The toast is to Gareth and Kate.

 

Conclusion

The Best Man’s speech is usually the bit all the guests are looking forward to. While the bride and groom are all wrapped up in their special day, every one else wants the Best Man’s Speech to enlighten them and make them laugh. This is usually quite easy if the guests have been drinking wine and being bored senseless by the other sentimental speeches. Keep the speech positive, clean and clever and you should be onto a winner. Remember practice is the key to doing it right.